Nonchalant might be a better way of describing it actually. I’m feeling nonchalant. A touch apathetic. A little bit blasé. Kind of impassive. Sort of indifferent. Maybe even slightly unaffected.
By what? By Vietnam. By travel. By vacations and seeing my family.
I know. I feel bad that I feel this way too. But I have an explanation. You see, I’m not supposed to be here. I’m supposed to be back home finishing assignments and then getting organised to come over and in the process, getting fired up about coming. Instead what happened was so much stress from uni about coursework and assignments that I practically forgot I was coming until I got on the plane.
There was no lead-up. In fact, even with three flights, four airports and approximately 24 hours of travel, I still don’t feel like I’m all here. Why? Because my head’s not here. My head’s stuck in this last essay that I’ve got 23 hours to finish. My head’s thinking over all the things I didn’t prepare for this trip and so in my head, I haven’t left Australia yet.
I don’t want to be unexcited, nonchalant, apathetic, blasé, impassive, indifferent, and even unaffected about being in Vietnam with my family. I want to be excited and happy and exuberant and curious and present. I want to be present in this moment. That will happen tomorrow when I email this final essay off. Tomorrow I will be present. And then I will enjoy every damned second of this well earned vacation. In fact, I’ll bloody well enjoy it in the meantime too!